I picked up the small cello bag, not sure I really saw the small white pills showing through what was obviously marijuana.
My heart sank to my feet. Darkness enveloped me. I lost all interest in finding the club and felt like catching the next train back to London. How could Keith be using drugs again after swearing he wasn’t? I felt sick. I folded the clothes I’d shed, placing them in my bag. What could I do? I couldn’t run home. My parents surely would find out and say I told you so.
I had to confront Keith. I didn’t care if it spoiled his performance. I wanted answers.
I had only enough money for one cab ride and figured I’d need it after the show. The club was close enough to walk, though I felt more like crawling into a dark corner somewhere. I trudged in the direction my map indicated, hoping I didn’t get lost. After turning down one street, then another, I found the club. This time the backstage door wasn’t down any dark alleys and I slipped right inside
“There you fucking are!” Ryan glared at me. “You’re always late.”
“If you don’t like it, find someone else to sell your stuff!”
Ryan just threw up his hands. “Bloody hell!”
“Just bring the stuff. I’ll find my own way.” I dashed out before Ryan could answer. I wanted to talk to him as much as I wanted to gargle broken glass. I didn’t see Keith.
I found the merchandise table with no difficulty. Ryan delivered two boxes. “I’ll let Keith know you’re here.”
I didn’t answer. I rehearsed in my head what I’d say. The club wasn’t very full so I didn’t have any customers. I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone anyway.
The first band came on, but I paid no attention. One or two people approached my table, another band came on, then finally it was time for the Piss Ants. Keith hadn’t even bothered to find me. I almost dreaded watching the show. I felt so betrayed. But why would he tell me to look in his bag? Did he want me to find them?
“Ready to watch?” I looked up to Ryan standing next to me.
“I guess,” I replied. I found my own place near the stage to avoid contact with Keith and didn’t feel like giving him his pre-show kiss. I was on auto-pilot watching Keith prance around the stage, flirting with audience members, and playing his guitar and break-neck speed. The crowd stretched all the way back now.
I didn’t give Keith eye contact and wasn’t sure he’d noticed. It didn’t affect his performance. Everyone slammed and pogoed as much as any previous crowd.
When the last encore faded, I quickly headed to the merchandise table. Ryan came with the lock box. “Keith’s asking after you.”
“I assume he’s coming out for autographs. Meanwhile I have to sell so I can eat tomorrow.”
Ryan just shrugged and walked off.
The band came out but I didn’t acknowledge Keith. When I wasn’t waiting on customers, I pretended to write tally marks.
I shrugged and continued making tally marks. I wasn’t sure what to say. I couldn’t bring up the drugs in front of everyone. For nearly an hour the band signed autographs and took pictures with fans while I took money, made change and recorded sales.
When the club shut its doors, Keith came from behind, wrapping his arms around me. It took all my willpower not to break free.
“You comin’ backstage?”
I shrugged again. “In awhile. I want to finish tallying up tonight’s sales.”
He gave me a squeeze and kissed me. “Don’t take long.”
I didn’t answer and Keith wandered off to join his mates backstage. I took my time counting money and was absorbed with this when suddenly Keith was next to me.
“What’s keeping you, luv. I might think you’re avoiding me.”
I didn’t look up. “Maybe I am,” was all I could think of saying.
Keith looked confused. “Have I pissed you off again?”
Now I faced him. “Can you tell me what I found in your bag tonight?”
He still looked confused. “Is that why you were late? You couldn’t find the address again? I was sure the itinerary was there.”
“No, that’s not it.” I felt my blood pressure rising. “I couldn’t bring what I found for fear of getting frisked and arrested for carrying illegal substances.”
“What, the weed? I had some stale weed I sort of forgot about after Ryan bought a new supply. I told you I only use it before shows to calm my nerves.”
“Think hard at what else was with the weed.”
He continued looking perplexed before the realization showed on his face. “Fuck, I forgot about those. Look, I can explain . . .”
“I’m listening.” My voice echoed through the now cavernous club.
“I scored them in Grimsby after encountering my dad. They’re just downers in case I had nightmares again.”
“If you have nightmares, get help. But don’t destroy yourself and our future.”
“I didn’t need them and honestly forgot I had them.”
“Forget about me coming to Roskilde and first thing tomorrow I’m on a train home. I told you it was drugs or me and you’ve chosen drugs.” I couldn’t stop tears from flowing as I took my share of the night’s proceeds, slammed the lock box shut and locked it. I threw the key at Keith. “Give this to Ryan. I’m out of here.”
Before Keith could answer, Ryan came out. “Brilliant news, Keith. This record exec saw us play tonight and wants to talk. I need you backstage.”
“Well, good luck,” I said, looking down so Ryan wouldn’t see I’d been crying. “I guess you’re getting what you wanted.” I headed for the exit.
“Wait, luv, don’t do this.”
“Did you hear me, Keith. You’re needed backstage now!”
I kept walking towards the exit.
“I’m not fucking going backstage right now!” Keith yelled.
“What the fuck . . .you know I never realized getting you a girlfriend would cause so much distraction,” Ryan said.
“Well don’t worry!” I grabbed the tally sheets and threw them at him. “I quit!”
I was at the exit within seconds and outside before anyone could react. The night air was warm and stagnant, with no hint of a breeze. The entire world was closing in on me. I hadn’t called for a taxi and didn’t want to go back into the club to use the phone. There were still some club patrons lingering about so maybe a taxi would show. I wasn’t sure how safe it was to walk.
I was pondering my fate when Keith showed up. “I need to make this right with you, luv. Ryan’s pissed off at me now and says I’m ruining everything.”
“At least he isn’t blaming me for once.”
He wrapped an arm around me and we headed down the street.
A taxi approached and Keith flagged it down. I said nothing the entire way while Keith kept explaining he forgot about the pills and how he didn’t need them. I wanted so badly to believe him.
Back in our room I flopped on my bed, still saying nothing. I wasn’t trying to give him the silent treatment. I didn’t know what to say.
“Here, I’ll take everything in this bag and flush them.”
I sighed. “Do what you want. That’s what you’re used to.”
Keith sat next to me. “I’m not on drugs.”
“How can I trust you? This is like the third time I’ve found drugs in your possession. You always manage to explain and I always believe you, then I find drugs again. You promised you’d never use again and now you bought these so-called downers.”
“Except I didn’t use them. That’s a good sign. It’s the first time I had contact with one of my parents and didn’t have flashbacks. After seeing my dad I was sure the nightmares would return, but they didn’t because I have you.”
“Then why are you so willing to throw all that away by going out to score?” I still wouldn’t look at him. I just lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.
“I told you, I thought the nightmares would return. For years whenever I closed my eyes, the nightmare of my childhood came back. The drugs helped suppress that until you came along. You don’t know what it was like.”
“Because you won’t tell me. You just bottle it up until something makes it resurface, then use drugs to suppress it again.”
Keith got up and paced the room a bit before turning to face me. “I am dealing with it. It takes time is all. And if I encounter my dad again I won’t need drugs.”
“What if you encounter your mother? If your dad wants a relationship with you, I’m sure your mother does too.”
Keith collapsed in the tiny chair in the corner of the room and momentarily buried his face in his hands. “I’ll cross that if it comes. Meanwhile would you believe me when I say I’m not using drugs? I won’t end up like Sid fucking Vicious.”
“Maybe you should get professional help. I’ll even go with you.”
“I don’t fucking need professional help. The fact I didn’t have nightmares is proof. Please don’t leave. I can’t finish the tour without you.”
A banging came at the door. “Keith, are you in there? I need you back at the club. This bloke works for fucking Island Records!”
[To be continued… Click here to view all chapters.]
