We now join our program, already in progress…
—don’t know how it happened, but I was listening to Something Considered on NPR [audience hoots and hollers]—I know, I know—wait, wait, don’t interrupt me now. Hear me out. There was this mayor, the mayor of Saint Louis was on the radio, and he was talking about the World Series. And what he said got me going. Now, he might not be endorsing me, but we do agree on this: Play it Forward.
Just think about it. There are nine players on a baseball team and nine innings, too. Right now, our team is down three, we’re in the bottom of the ninth, the count is three and two, and the bases are loaded. The batter has just come up from a farm team. He’s never played in the majors. And it’s me. And I know we got to win.
So what do I do? I think about all those nines. I concentrate. I think about all that money the City of Saint Louis is making on this World Series and how it’s helping the economy. The local economy. The local economy is getting stronger. Think about all those vendors selling beer. At Budweiser Stadium. That Bud, that’s beer! And hot dogs. Ballpark Franks by Armour! And peanuts from Georgia and Crackerjacks, too. There’s pizza, too–slices of three-cheese pizza! That’s a lot of money. And the tickets aren’t cheap, either. And parking attendants, they get paid, too. And all of them, a whole stadium full, they’re all working their way up the ladder of financial success, like all American patriots.
I’m thinking about what the mayor said. He said that he hoped the Series would go to seven games because every game in Saint Louis brought in half a million dollars to the city. Half a million dollars! And the World Series went seven games. You know, it was the first time in, you guessed it, nine years. And, and, and you know what? It was the ninth straight time that the home team won the seventh game in the World Series. Millions of dollars to Saint Louis after nine years. The mayor got his wish!
So, I tap my bat on the plate and wait for the pitch. Then I lean in and wham! I don’t want to upset you, Governor Rick. I mean no disrespect. Don’t get me wrong, but sometimes you just got to mess with Texas, don’t ya. So, I hit it out of the park. And we all win. Even Texas. Here’s how: Within one hour after I’m sworn in as President of these United States, I’m going to sign an executive order. I call it Executive Order Number One. It says from now on, the World Series will be nine games long. Not seven, nine. That’s another million, right, mayor?
That’s just the beginning. Governor Rick and Governor Mitt say I don’t even know how much a whole bunch of nines is. Well, I do. I do. And I know how. It all adds up. Just depends on how you slice it.
Thirdly, no buts about it, there might have been some kind of harassment charge back in my past. I can’t remember the details, but over and over, I’ve been real clear. Baseless. Totally baseless charges. No bases, no balls, no strikes. Didn’t even get to first base, my friends, and I know my Savior always forgives and loves me and you, too. All of you. And all of us. Thank you. And thank God.
How much time do I have left?
– John Markuson
