Keith spun around and froze. It took me a second to realize who they were. Then I recognized Keith’s father. Even though I’d only seen him in a dark nightclub, I recognized his eyes. His black hair had more silver than I remembered. His mother‘s hair was cropped short and almost nearly gray. She had a fragility about her I remembered noticing in Keith the first time I met him. I made the first move and introduced myself. His parents returned the greeting, welcoming me to the family and insisting I call them by their first names, Glenna and John.
Keith said nothing until announcing he was going out for a cigarette. He didn’t give his parents eye contact, nor did he say anything to them as he hurried out.
I wasn’t sure if I should stay or follow Keith. “Here’s your granddaughter,” I said, stepping away from the isolette. His mother was suddenly overcome with emotion. I wondered if it was because of Keith or seeing her first grandchild hanging onto life by a mere thread. Perhaps it was both.
“I’m going to make sure Keith’s okay,” I said. “She doesn’t have a name yet, but stay and get acquainted.”
“We won’t stay long,” John said. “Our counselor recommended we visit in short intervals.”
“I guess that’s for the best,” I replied, though I felt sad for them.
“We’re staying at the Buckingham Hotel on Bedford Place. Do get in touch if anything changes.”
I promised and hurried off to find Keith. I found him in front of the hospital, lit cigarette in his hand. “Are you okay?” I asked, not knowing what else to say.
“Sorry to run out like that,” he replied. “This will be much harder than I thought. Just being in the same room as my mum . . .” He took a drag from his cigarette.
I gave him a squeeze. “It’s okay. They won’t stay long. Let’s go inside. It’s freezing out here and the hospital gave me food vouchers since I’m nursing . .. or will be.”
Keith dropped his cigarette to the ground, stepping on it. He reached one arm around me and we went inside.
We munched on sandwiches and tea before returning to spend the rest of the day with the baby.
The next morning I awoke to an empty flat. There was a note from Keith pinned to the pillow saying he’d gone to hospital early and to call for a ride. I quickly dressed, grabbed a yogurt and took the Tube. Though the ride was short, I had enough time to write my letter of resignation to the academy.
I arrived at the ICU, put on my mask and gown and saw Keith sitting by the isolette, playing his guitar. “Hi, luv.” He greeted me with a squeeze without getting up. “You should have called for a ride.”
“Taking the Tube gave me time to think.”
“I’ve made a major accomplishment this morning.” He grinned like a little kid. “I’ve thought of a name for our little angel. A nurse brought me a book of baby names and this was one of the first listed. I just wrote her a lullaby using her new name. But if you don’t like it we can change it. ”
“Tell me first,” I insisted.
“Amanda. Amanda Carrie Morrison. Amanda means beloved and Carrie is for my grandmother.”
“That’s lovely. But Amanda is a big name for such a little girl. Let’s call her Mandy.”
Keith smiled. “Mandy it is, then.”
I reached through the portal and stroked her cheek. “Good morning, baby Mandy. How are you today?”
“She’s great now,” Keith assured me. “Except she gets frustrated the ventilator tube prevents her from sucking her thumb.”
“Poor Baby.” I stroked her some more and she stirred a little.
It was closer to two weeks before Mandy was taken off the ventilator. Much to our relief and joy, she took her first breaths on her own. We were finally allowed to hold her and I got to try and nurse her. She was still so tiny and fragile and so unbelievably light. Carol assisted me, but it was unsuccessful.
“She just won’t do it.” I was very frustrated and upset.
Carol was patient and sympathetic. “Don’t worry, luv. I said it may take several tries. We’ve lessened her food intake a little in hopes she’ll feel hungry and motivate to nurse, but don’t worry if she doesn’t. We won’t starve her.”
Mandy was given a dummy, but preferred her thumb.
I tried over the next week to get her to nurse and grew increasingly frustrated when she wouldn’t. Keith continued playing his guitar for her and I painted pictures of animals and hung them around her isolette.
Every day Keith and I kept vigil. Aimee dropped in most evenings, filling me in on the goings on at the academy. I felt pangs of sorrow I wasn’t there with her, but knew I did the right thing. Frank and Louisa were our constant support. They made sure we ate and took over with Mandy when we weren’t there.
After three weeks, Mandy gained almost a half kilo. We were elated.
It was around this time, we learned the night staff fed her a small bottle of my pumped milk.
“We haven’t given her anything for the last three hours,” Carol said. “We thought you might try and nurse her again.”
With Carol’s assistance, I sat in the rocking chair and held Mandy to my breast. To my delight, she began sucking. “She’s finally nursing!” Tears rolled down my cheeks.
Carol tickled her cheek. “Nursing is hard work. This is one way to get her to continue.”
Mandy nursed for about fifteen minutes before falling into a blissful sleep. Having grown tired of hospital food, we set out for a walk. It was chilly and windy, but the fresh air felt good and for once it wasn’t raining.
“I suddenly had an idea. “Let’s go shopping for her. Everyone else has lavished her with cuddly toys and Louisa knitted her those booties, but we haven’t bought her anything.”
“Where did you have in mind?”
“Harrods. I want the best for Mandy.”
“Harrods, eh?” Keith gave a look of contempt.
I couldn’t help laughing. “You can do it.”
If it were up to me we’d shop for second hand things.”
“We don’t need to turn her into a little punk rocker yet.”
Inside Harrods, Keith took delight in showing up in London’s finest in his usual attire of shredded jeans, high-top tennis shoes and a tattered leather jacket.
I found a pink cardigan. Keith found a pair of tiny pink Chuck Taylors. “I didn’t know they came so fuckin’ small,” he laughed. “She can be a little bit punk rock!”
I laughed at his enthusiasm. We were anxious to get back to Mandy, so paid for our loot and caught the next Tube.
When we returned, Louisa was there. “She’s been sleeping the whole time I’ve been here,” Louisa said.
As if she heard us, Mandy woke, making her newborn kitten sounds. Keith was a kid with a new toy as he lifted Mandy from her isolette. Her cries subsided.
“Let me hold her,” I insisted. “Maybe she’ll nurse again.”
“Not yet,” Keith protested. “You had your turn.” Keith sat in the rocking chair and talked to her.
“There you go little lamb,” Louisa consoled while gently stroking the top of Mandy’s head. “I think she’ll have her daddy’s eyes.”
Mandy’s eyes were open now and although I knew she couldn’t focus, she looked like she was taking everything in. Then she started to fuss.
“Oh, don’t cry,” I soothed, stroking her.
Keith pulled the dummy from his pocket, gave it to her, but she spit it out and found her thumb.
“Look at that,” Keith marveled. Giving her the dummy reminds her about her thumb. Silly girl.
This night we stayed late. I held Mandy while Keith strummed his guitar and sang her lullaby.
. . . Each day is filled with wonder, you continue to amaze
You’re my angel here on earth
You are more than my life’s worth,
Come and be with me awhile, Amanda Carrie . . .
It must have been nearly eight when Ryan strolled in. “So, how’s my niece? Mum says she’s doing well.” He seemed nervous around the baby, which I found amusing. “I called your flat, but got no answer, so came here.”
“What’s up?” Keith asked, looking up from his guitar.
“Well, I thought since the baby’s doing well, you might consider gigging again. Promoters are calling me asking why you’re not playing.”
“I don’t know, Ryan. My heart just isn’t in it anymore.”
“What the f . . .? We’re on the verge of making it big. You can’t just quit.”
“Says who?”
“Come on. We’re the hottest thing in London now, but you know how fickle English rock fans are.”
“I want to be with my wife and daughter now. Look at her. She’s the size of a rugby ball. She’s better, but still critical.”
“But we’re starting to make money. You could earn enough to support your family.”
“I have the trust fund still and my dad will turn over stocks he’s been holding as soon as the paperwork’s done.”
“Is that what you want? To live off your dad’s money? You always said you wanted to be richer than your dad.”
“I am. I’ll have a relationship with my daughter. That’s rich.”
Ryan looked to me with desperation. “Brigitte, talk sense into him.”
“Give us time to talk it over, but it’s his decision.”
“Maybe when she’s home I’ll feel like gigging again,” Keith offered.
“When is that?”
“Six weeks if all goes well.”
“We could be dead by then. We’ve worked so hard to get to this point.”
“Well, I’m sorry. When I’m on stage all my concentration is centered on my performance. I can’t give it my all right now. Besides, this will give you the chance to get your masters.”
“I didn’t think I’d need it. We were doing so well. I want you to think long and hard about your commitment to the band. It’s not just you. We all worked our arses off to get where we are now. I’m coming here every day to talk about this.” Ryan left.
Before I could ask Keith if quitting the band was a wise decision, the night pediatrician came in. “I want you two to go home, get some sleep and return in the morning,” she insisted.
I was reluctant to put Mandy back in her isolette. I wanted so badly to take her home to her own nursery instead of the sterile environs of the ICU. At that moment, Frank came in.
“Perfect timing,” Keith said. “Here’s your grandfather, my angel. Mummy and Daddy will see you in the morning.” He handed her to Frank. “There, you’re the first one to hold her besides us.”
“She loves to be rocked and cuddled.” I rose and kissed the top of her head.
“I’m honored to hold her as long as she wants. It will give us a chance to get more acquainted,” Frank assured us.
Mandy seemed more than content to be with Frank. The beginning of a long, loving relationship, I thought.
We drove home and dragged ourselves up to our flat. Keith lit a cigarette and grabbed a beer from the fridge. “You want to check phone messages? I’ll scare up something to eat.”
The first message was from Keith’s father. “Hi, Son. I trust my granddaughter is well. Your mother and I will be down tomorrow. I have a check for the first 50,000 pounds. I’ll bring the next installment on Mandy’s first birthday. No need to ring back.”
The second message was from my mother, a third from Aimee. Everyone asked the same thing — how was Mandy doing? How were we holding up?”
I was too tired to ring Aimee, but if I didn’t call my mother, she’d assume the worst.
Keith came out. “Here, I made you a milkshake with bananas and strawberries. It’s supposed to be good for you and the bambina. There’s pasta on the stove that should be ready in a bit. Anyone important leave a message?”
“Your dad. He and your mum are arriving at hospital tomorrow. He’s bringing a check and says he’ll give another on Mandy’s first birthday.”
“There’s that control again. He thinks we’ll blow the lot if he gives it all at once.”
I was too tired to argue. “My mother also rang. I’ll need to ring her back.”
“I’ll throw some shrimp into the pasta.” He took another drag, gave me a hug and returned to the kitchen.
When I came to the kitchen, Keith put two plates on the table. He wrapped his arms around me and we kissed. “We’re gonna make it, luv. The last three weeks have been hell, but the worst is over.”
Our hospital vigils consumed our daily lives now. Mandy was doing well and gaining weight. Ryan popped in a couple days later claiming he had exciting news. “I played a couple tracks off our tape to this bloke from Creation Records and he’s interested. It’s an indie label so it’s not like we’re submitting to corporate wankers. He wants to see us play, though. Please let me put a gig together. It’s only for one night. We’ll just play local shows until Mandy’s home. We don’t even need to spend time practicing. Just play the songs you play all the time. Come on, Keith. Mum and Dad come every day. We just need to be gigging again so we don’t lose momentum. Brigitte, please convince him. You put as much effort into the band as any of us.”
I lifted Mandy from her isolette. “Let us talk about it. Maybe you can arrange shows for a couple nights a week. Then we’ll do more after Mandy’s home.”
“That’s all I’m asking. Are you in, Keith?”
“I want to. Really I do, but I’m so exhausted right now I can barely think.”
“I need to give the bloke an answer tomorrow so I’ll drop by first thing in the morning.” He left without saying more.
Before Keith and I could discuss Ryan’s proposal, Mandy took a sudden gasp and started struggling for breath.
A nurse in the ICU heard our panicked cries and called an alarm. Mandy was snatched from my arms.
[To be continued… Click here to view all chapters.]
