All Keith and I could do was hold each other and listen to our baby scream as they stuck a tiny needle in her leg to insert an IV.
My stomach turned into knots and I felt like I was in the middle of some horrible nightmare as medical staff rushed to Mandy and systematically tortured her. “Stop hurting her! There must be another way!”
A nurse gently ushered Keith and me out of the ICU, assuring us if there were another way, they wouldn’t do this.
“Mandy has contracted Respiratory Syncytial Virus, commonly called RSV. It’s common in premature babies and very dangerous and could turn into pneumonia. Her breathing tube is being reinstalled.”
Exhausted as we were, we couldn’t leave her. I was sure as long as we were with her, she would have the strength to fight.
Keith and I sat, stunned, not knowing what to do, when Frank entered. “I was doing my rounds when someone told me the news. I’ve called Louisa. She’s on her way. I understand the staff is preparing a room for you to spend the night here.”
“I can’t leave her,” I said, on the verge of tears.
“Someone is filling in for me. I’ll stay with her so you two can get some sleep. I promise I’ll wake you if there’s any change.”
We reluctantly went to the room. It was spare with only a pull-out sofa bed which was already pulled out for us, and a table with a lamp. I slept in installments but when I dreamt my baby was healthy and not suffering.
Early the next morning we staggered back into the NICU. Louisa and Frank were both there. “There’s been no change,” Frank said. “But she’s hanging in.”
“She’s a fighter,” Louisa said. “Have either of you called your parents?”
I gasped. “My mother should know. I need her here.” I turned to Keith. “Your parents should come. If everyone who loves her comes together, it will give her strength to fight.”
Keith cast his eyes downward, then nodded.
“I’ll call them for you,” Louisa offered.
I returned to our room and punched my mother’s number with trembling fingers. “I need you here,” I sobbed. “Mandy is very ill. They’re telling us she’s critical and to prepare for the worst.”
“I am on the next plane,” my mother told me. “Be brave, ma cherie.”
The look on Frank’s face when I returned disturbed me. Although he didn’t say anything, his expression sent chills up my spine as he watched Mandy struggle for life.
The following day Keith sat close to Mandy’s isolette, expressionless, playing his guitar. Softly he sang the lullaby he wrote for her.
You’re my angel here on Earth
You are more than my life’s worth
Come and stay with me awhile, Amanda Carrie . . .
I approached my tiny daughter and watched her chest rise and fall with each struggling breath. Her heart beat furiously through her translucent skin.
Suddenly Keith’s parents entered. Glenna immediately approached the isolette. She stood staring into the bubble that held her granddaughter. I found it odd she didn’t acknowledge Keith or me. John said things like “She’s a fighter. We’re all here,” as he stood behind his wife, both hands on her shoulders, and peered in at his granddaughter hanging onto life by a thread.
I noticed Keith stop playing his guitar and worried if he was all right when he set his guitar down and bolted from the room. He was half way down the hall when I caught up. He stopped long enough to wrap me in his arms and hold me tight. “I know I shouldn’t walk out like that, it’s just fucking hard being in a room with my mother.”
“I know it’s difficult,” I sympathized, “But Mandy needs us. Can you go back?”
Keith relinquished me and collapsed against the wall. He buried his face in his hands momentarily before nodding. Keith’s father found us, looking genuinely concerned. “Is everything okay?”
Keith stared at him in a momentary state of disbelief. “No, everything’s not fucking okay. My daughter hangs onto life by a mere thread and I find it fucking torture being in the same room as that monster.”
“I’m sorry you went through what you did. If I knew I wouldn’t have let it happen.”
“The clues were there. I tried to fucking tell you so many times in the only way I knew how. Then the only people who loved and nurtured me, you disallowed me to see.”
“I can’t say I’m sorry enough. I made a terrible mistake when I did that. If I could go back and do it differently I surely would.”
“This isn’t like my car that you can threaten to take away, then give back. You can’t fucking give me back my childhood!” Keith’s eyes flared with hurt and anger, the likes of which I’d never before seen in him. “You never knew me. You’d only be concerned with my schoolwork or how my piano lessons were going. You never wanted to know who I was.”
“That was the way I was raised. I didn’t know any different nor did I resent my father for not being around.”
“You weren’t left in the care of someone you thought would surely kill you if you didn’t escape. Of course I did escape and you bribed some wanker judge to send me back to hell. You took me from the only parents who loved and cared for me.”
“We did and do love you. What if someone tried taking Mandy from you?”
“I will never lay a hand on my daughter!” Keith practically spit his words out. “
Someone from the nurse’s station approached us. “If you three would like a private place to talk, I can arrange it.”
Keith shook his head. “No need. Come, luv. Let’s get back to our daughter.”
I glanced at the window as we returned to the ICU. The early February sky was steel gray and the wind blew the rain sideways as it slashed across the window. Even nature cried for us. I turned away and saw my mother enter. I ran to her arms. “I’m so glad you’re finally here,” I said, barely keeping from crying.
“It will be all right,” my mother assured me. “I am here. Et ton père, il est présent aussi.” At that moment I felt someone embrace me. It wasn’t Keith. I smiled to myself. The hug was from my papa. I knew he was one of the angels looking out for Mandy.
We all formed a circle around Mandy’s isolette. We weren’t religious or praying people, but everyone took turns saying something positive to Mandy – about how loved she was. Keith’s father even promised her a pony, which I found amusing. Everyone finally left, leaving Keith and me alone with our daughter. Nothing changed.
Frank had left with encouraging words. “The longer she hangs in there, the better her chances.
Keith took out his guitar again and sang Mandy’s lullaby . . .
I’ll help you fight your battle, I’ll help you light your fires
I’ll try my best to give you everything your heart desires
You’re my angel here on Earth,
You are more than my life’s worth
Come and sit with me awhile, Amanda Carrie.
Finally, the night staff insisted we get some sleep. “If there’s any change, someone will inform you immediately,” the night nurse told us.
We reluctantly said goodbye to our daughter, hoping it wasn’t our final goodbye.
I was so exhausted I actually slept better, but I had this odd dream that I was carrying around a doll and telling people it was my baby.
I awoke with the first sunlight and crossed the room to open the blinds. The clouds parted and a ray of sunshine poured through. My heart skipped a beat. I hoped this wasn’t a spotlight to heaven, guiding my baby to some place where she wouldn’t suffer any more. The beam was aimed directly at the NICU.
I roused Keith. “Something’s happened. We need to be with Mandy!”
Without saying anything, Keith leaped out of bed and we raced to the NICU.
[To be continued… Click here to view all chapters.]
