Reasons Why Taylor Swift is More Awesome than Santa Claus!

All commercial Christmas music would be better if there were a “Taylor’s version.”

Taylor could conceivably fit down the chimney. 

Taylor knows who’s naughty or nice, AND everyone who is naughty gets a thinly veiled slap-down song about them.

Santa sleighs, Taylor slays.

Santa has helpers, and Taylor has hot, young Swifties

Taylor goes to Kansas City Chiefs games. They are an awesome American Football Team in the National Football League. While they sometimes go about “blitzin’,” an exciting defensive football maneuver that can win games, there is no “Blitzen” on the Chiefs. He’s on Santa’s favorite Lame-O baseball team, the North Pole Reindeers. Santa never gets to visit the pitch and see soccer in person– his favorite sport– because he’s too lazy, but he will sometimes give extravagant Xmas gifts to successful players in the various European leagues. Victory Taylor!

Santa may live on and on bringing Hope and joy to all the children of the world year after year, but Taylor Swift remains beautiful year after year, giving lust, joy and testosterone bursts to all the men in the world. Santa has eternal life, but Taylor has eternal beauty. Taylor rules!

Santa and Christmas may account for 30% (EPB‘s guess) of all economic activity in the Northern Hemisphere, Taylor’s Era’s Tour was the complete package, energizing the entire world and consuming 40% of global discretionary savings (again, EPB‘s guess). Taylor’s mountain of gold wins!

Taylor’s music goes all over the world and makes everyone happy. Realistically, how many times can you hear “Santa Baby” or “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” Give me “Anti-hero” or “Love Story” any of the 12 days. Taylor is invincible.

SCILF? Santa Claus I’d love to….? Eeeeeeewwwww! Give us Taylor, or anyone, other than the drunken bag man…”

Santa Brings the funk, as in BO. Taylor brings the party, as in Taylor Swift perfume.

Forget the Oscars, Santa is too white. He’s supposed to be from fourth century Turkey, but he looks WASP-ish to me and he gives all the best presents to rich white children.

Mrs. Claus bakes cookies, but Travis Kelce converts third downs. (We might have to give this one to Santa.)

Rudolph is a Swifty, and he should know as he’s the leader of the flying herd.

“Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” vs. “You Belong With Me.”