Chapter Fifty
I ran and ran before collapsing against a boulder. The waves crashing to the shore only reminded me of the angry words I last spoke to my father. My whole body shook and I cried my eyes out. I wanted to reverse time to change my last visit. I was so angry with my parents then. I should have handled it better. I wished I could take it all back.
Keith and Aimee caught me up and settled next to me, catching their breath.
“There you are, luv. You scared the shit out of me taking off like that,” Keith said.
“I didn’t mean to,” was all I could say between sobs.
Keith enveloped me and held me tight. “It’s all right.”
“Take all the time you need,” Aimee said. “My Parents are with your mother.”
I was vaguely aware of her words and her reaching over to stroke me.
“I can’t believe he’s gone,” I sobbed. “Now he’ll never see me graduate or anything else. When I last spoke to him I was so angry. Then didn’t talk to him all during the tour.”
“You didn’t know this would happen,” Aimee said. “Your parents weren’t making your life easy, you know.”
“Still, I should have sent a postcard or called. If I had, then my last words wouldn’t have been angry.”
“It wouldn’t have changed their minds, luv” Keith said. “And it’s not like he hated you for it. He wouldn’t have sent that letter and check otherwise.”
“But when I got those, I didn’t call. There’s no excuse for that.”
“We barely had time before leaving for Roskilde and there wasn’t time there either. Remember before when I played Roskilde, I couldn’t call you,” Keith said. “Your mum isn’t angry with you.”
“Speaking of your mum,” Aimee said. “I’ll let her know you’re okay. She’s worried.”
Keith and I sat on the beach, holding each other, watching the surf roll in and out.
Aimee returned to report almost everyone had left and my mother was asking about me. I forced myself to return. Watching the tide was a comfort, but my mother needed me.
She was relieved when I returned. “Ma Cherie, are you all right?”
All I could do was nod, although I wasn’t all right. The walls of the church were closing in, suffocating me. I wanted more than anything to be back on the beach. Keith refused to leave my side after that and if he hadn’t forced me to eat, I would have starved. I had little appetite and nothing tasted good.
Two days after the funeral, my mother was upstairs resting and Keith was calling Ryan. I sat at the kitchen table half expecting my father to come through the door, making sure I was doing my homework or wanting to see my latest artistic creation.
Keith came in and sat across from me. “Louisa and Frank send their love,” he said.
“That’s sweet,” was all I could say.
“Ryan says the manager at the Borderline’s pressuring him for us play this weekend and he got us a gig at the big punk festival in Blackpool mid August. I should get back.”
I looked at him. “I can’t leave my mother yet.”
“Stay as long as you must. But I need to get back before we lose our momentum.”
“Can’t they understand you have a family emergency?”
“Try and understand, luv. I promise I’ll ring you every day.”
I buried my face in my hands. “I never could have managed without you.”
Keith moved his chair next to mine and wrapped one arm around me. “Let me know when you’re ready to come home and I’ll drop everything and meet you at the airport.”
I sighed. “When are you leaving?”
“Hopefully tomorrow morning. I have to check flights times. We still have the rest of today. Fancy a walk on the beach?”
“That sounds lovely. I’ll leave a note for my mother.”
We walked hand in hand, saying nothing before flopping against a log.
It was there my mother found us. It was also then that Keith returned to the house to find a flight back to London. We parted with a long kiss.
“Ma cherie, we have not had the chance to talk since the funeral. While I found it comforting having my closest friends surround me, you did not.”
“Besides Aimee and a few friends I had before, those were your friends. I just couldn’t stand hearing another condolence. I want Papa back to tell him I love him, but now must live with the fact my last words to him were angry. I’d give anything to take it back.”
My mother wrapped one arm around me. “Ma cherie. Your father did not resent you. I am sorry things were so strained between us.”
“I just wanted you to accept my decisions. Marrying Keith wasn’t a mistake. I couldn’t have gotten through this without him.”
“That’s what I was telling you all along.”
“I still do not support you marrying at eighteen. Your education is most important.”
“I won’t quit school. My third and final year starts in six weeks. It’s so close now.”
My mother relinquished me. “You’ve done well and your father and I are so proud.”
Her words gave me some comfort, but I still wished I could relive my last visit home.
Early the next morning, Keith got a flight back to London. I accompanied him to the airport on the bus. We said little to each other, preferring to hold hands the entire way. When his flight was called, we held each other until the last second.
“I’ll only stay a few more days,” I promised. “I need to be sure my mother is okay.”
“It’s okay, luv. I promise I’ll call the moment I land.” We kissed once more before Keith disappeared with the throngs boarding the plane.
Keith called me every day. Sometimes he called twice. The Piss Ants were performing at the Borderline again. He told me Saturday’s show was so wild, that half the audience jumped on stage. The band couldn’t even see each other. He added that those not on stage, were so busy slamming into each other, their bodies sprayed sweat half way to the ceiling. I wished I’d been there.
I stayed in Brittany five more days. My mother took me to the airport where we said a tearful goodbye.
“I promise no matter where I am, I’ll ring you every day,” I said. This time I would keep my promise.
The rest of the summer went quickly, but not a day went by that I didn’t miss my father. I kept my promise and called my mother every day. I followed the band to the festival in Blackpool and was talked into selling, but no longer felt like making postcards. I hadn’t felt well at all since losing my father. I had little appetite and my stomach was queasy on and off. I wondered when I’d feel normal again. At least my period came. It was unbelievably light, but understandable considering my stress level.
We returned from Blackpool and I finally made an appointment to get birth control pills. Although when the clinic learned I’d had unprotected sex, they insisted I get a pregnancy test first. What a pain.
I was at said appointment when a nurse flitted in. “I have your pregnancy test results.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. There was no way she’d be cheerful if the test were positive. What she told me, however, sent chills up my spine and gave me my second shock this summer of 1990.
[To be continued… Click here to view all chapters.]
